So you would like to Party! Many people are “Partying” incorrectly, leading to injury and public humiliation. It is important to know exactly how to play, so that the Party can go exactly right. Follow these rules to decide the Party’s winner!

Set up!

Step 1: Set your iTunes to “shuffle” function, which is the button with the intersecting arrows. Spend no time bickering about whether or not that is a proper insignia for “shuffle,” as it is pointless to fight with Apple Inc.

Step 2: If it is a Sad song, like “The Sound of Silence,” by Simon and Garfunkle, please abandon shuffle and make a “Party Mix.” Find “Rap” music, “Electronica” music or “Katy Perry.” If your music collection is incomplete, go to Pandora and type in “Lady Gaga.” Beware: many people will try to connect their iPods to your speakers. Do not let this occur, because it will almost always be Tool.

Step 3: Drinking at a Party is said to have its own set of rules, but those rules are actually arcane, esoteric, or wrong. There is no such thing as a “Party Foul.” There is no such thing as “Fumblerooski.” The only rule is at a proper Party, there is alcohol, and those drinks are to be consumed from red cups, re-used jam jars, or misused red wine glasses. Never pour red wine into a red wine glass at a Party. That is a “Party Foul.” Hard alcohol, consumed in a way that leads to dancing and premarital sex, is to be used. A pre-mixed drink like a “Margarita” or “Jungle Juice” hides hard alcohol well.

Party!

Step 4: Now that all your guests have arrived and started to drink too much for their bodies to metabolize properly, it is time to play the main game. Find yourself in a group of four to seven people. Direct the “Conversation” in the way that you, the Partygoer find most interesting. If someone has a “Story” that corroborates with your topic of Conversation, you both get a “Point.” If you happen to have an even better Story than the story just told, you get 4 points. If another Partygoer changes the “Topic” and everyone can contribute but you, go back and find another jam jar of alcohol. Perhaps try “Lying.”*

*Lying at a Party is a time-honored tradition, but no one can know you are lying, lest your title be changed from “Partygoer” to “Liar.” Lie only in new, unexpected ways. Perhaps practice lying to strangers and coworkers before attempting a lie at a “Party.”

Step 5: Physical exertion! There are many forms of Physical Exertion to try at a Party. Some people enjoy “Dance.” If you are a good dancer, you can be labeled as “Sexy” which is worth 400 points and bonus tickets. If you are a funny dancer, you can be labeled as “Goofy” which is worth 250 points, but it does not come with bonuses. Smoking cigarettes outside is a great way to earn steady amounts of 10 points per cigarette. Smoking tricks, like a “French Curl” can be worth fifty. Finally, don’t forget the “Drinking Personality Card” you drew at the beginning of College. Do you remember it? You are either an “Angry” Drunk, a “Touchy-Feely” Drunk, a “Crying” Drunk, a “Messy Drunk or a “Fun” Drunk.

Step 6: Now it’s time to find someone to “Like.” Tally up your points and their points. If those points are matching you are ready to be a “Pair.” It is unwise to pursue a “Pair” if you have less points than the person you have decided to “Like.” This will not go well, and you might have to return to the “Group,” starting over at zero points.

Trying to Win!

Step 7: This part of the Party is difficult to understand. If you are in a Pair, try to find a place to either continue conversing (if you have more points than your partner, this is a great way to even the field) or have “Sex.” Sex is worth more points than can be counted. However, being caught while having sex, trying to have sex and failing due to alcohol, or falling asleep all can lead to losing your points and partner. However, having sex is not the only goal! Perhaps you are just trying to prove you are “Smarter” than the partner in your pair.** Perhaps you just want to “Make Fun” of the groups that are still struggling to gain points. Maybe you both just want to “Eat.” Determining your goal and achieving it is a great way to earn points.

**Note: Party smart is not related to actual intelligence.

Step 8: Sleeping over and How to Leave. Sleeping over at a Party without shoes on is neutral. Sleeping at the Party with shoes on leads to forfeiture of points and personal right to not be drawn on. If you leave in the morning first, you are not subject to the same point deduction as leaving the Party first before everyone went to sleep. If you are, however, the last person to leave the Party (not counting the host) and you have to be asked to leave, you are not allowed to Party again for at least a month. Reexamine your life.

Determining a Winner: Winning a Party is all about points, and more than one person can win! Add up your conversation and physical exertion points. If you left the Party wearing all of your clothes, not vomiting, and more than 500 points from conversation and physical exertion, you probably won! It is important to know who tried to have sex, who “tried too hard” and who thought they were better than everyone else. Discovering a Party’s Winner is difficult, and each Party has to be discussed at length.
Final Note: It could be years before you discover who exactly won the Party, and the rules at each party change indiscriminately. That does not mean it is not important to play.